Cardiologist please….

I guess it is difficult for any one to move forward in life. I have never had to do this from a serious stand point until my dad passed on in 2009. Then, a few months later, I fell in love with such a great guy, which ended in heart break and bitterness - 2011. Now recently, 2012, my mom had an emergency heart bypass surgery. I do not know where to begin but damn am I tired. I feel like I need a cardiologist to heal my broken heart. There are sooooo many feelings that I have inside and there are soooo many thoughts that cross my mind - new or old. I don't really know how to handle this. Shouldn't there be like a How to Deal With a Broken Heart for Dummies? That would help! I don't even know my point about this blog but I just need to vent. I feel stressed and I feel like I am aging quicker then I would like - physically and mentally. There are some things I want to share and maybe I would feel better if I just vent:

1. My dad's passing is a battle. It has dwindled a bit since it happened years ago. However, I do think of him a lot. I think of how life could have been, should have been, and how life is OK without him. There are times where I think back asking myself why did this happen, could I have done something more to prevent it, could I have just put my full attention on him instead of attending school, and most importantly, why did this happen to me? I think time does heal but you will never forget. I am wiser and think that this tragic event was not my fault and that I just witnessed the ending. I miss him. I do.

2. My ex. I know, I know.. I think the same thing - STILL? hahahaha.. this was my first love what can I say or do? Geezzz… the fact is that he was an important person in my life. He was. The fact that he was always there for me shortly after my dad died was not good for our relationship. The fact that he was insecure and manipulative was not helpful to our relationship either. I hate thinking about him. Then as I lay in bed, I cannot stop thinking of him. I have so many memories with him. I am trying to change that. (I know I can't). What I mean is that even after this time of us being apart I am realizing that I have him in my mind more than I should. I am trying to change that. He has moved on with another girl. It does hurt me, yes, but only when I truly think about it. I get jealous and insecure myself. I shouldn't but since I still have strong feelings for him I know I will. However, I know that I cannot be with him. There is no way. We would not work. In his mind he thinks I have done so many errors in my past (before I met him) that has affected who I am and that it is not right and has to have an negative opinion on it. Judging me, always judging me. NOW HOW CAN I STILL HAVE FEELINGS FOR THIS PERSON? maybe I need someone in my life? But it is much more than that, I know. I just know it. But I cannot pinpoint it. Ugh… hopefully soon. I just need to not hear about him nor see him. Thank God my family is moving to a new city and away from where he lives. It's like a breath of fresh air.

3. My mom. I don't know what I would do without her. She is okay. But this was quite a scare. For me it has affected me to change the way I live, love, and cherish things. I thank God for allowing my siblings and I to continue to have her in our lives. I'm not happy that He had this in her life but I can't argue - but accept it - it already happened. I need to work on me, my body, my mind, my health, my eating habits, my workout routines, everything I can possibly change about myself to make sure I will not let my loved ones, my husband, and my kids see me like this. I just can't. It's to painful and traumatic. I know this woman is my superwoman and she can beat anything. But then again.. who is there to save the hero when she falls?

The fact that I now reside in Chicago and far away from my family does not to move forward. I feel like it was an escape for me. But I've known my problems would soon follow me. I cannot escape from my problems. I need to face them, even though it may hurt, and defeat them. First I need a physical exam and then can I get a cardiologist, please, to heal this broken heart? Thanks.

Pink..

Have you ever fed a lover with just your hands?

Close your eyes and trust it, just trust it

Have you ever thrown a fist full of glitter in the air?

Have you ever looked fear in the face

And said I just don't care

It's only half past the point of no return

The tip of the ice burg

The sun before the burn

The thunder before lightning

The breathe before the fraze

Have you ever felt this way?

Have you ever hated yourself for staring at the phone?

You're whole life waiting on the ring to prove you're not alone

Have you ever been touch so gently you had to cry?

Have you ever invited a stranger to come inside?

It's only half past the point of oblivion

The hourglass on the table

The walk before the run

The breathe before the kiss

And the fear before the flames

Have you ever felt this way?

La La La La La La La La

There you are, sitting in the garden

Clutching my coffee,

Calling me sugar

You called me sugar

Have you ever wished for an endless night?

Lassoed the moon and the stars and pulled that rope tight

Have you ever held your breathe and asked yourself will it ever get better than tonight?

Tonight

Friends...

Friends.

What do you consider a friend? Do you have different categories to friends? Because I sure do. Yeah it might seem kinda mean to categorize your friends but you know exactly what I am saying. It's quite difficult to open up to a stranger that came across in your life and you found similar things in common. But at least you are able to share those cheesy things or embarrassing things with them.

I really like all my friends [from acquaintances to my closest friends].

They are all different.

BUT WHAT ABOUT A BOYFRIEND OR GIRLFRIEND? Does information or a new category form?

I mean for me if I have a boyfriend then I would assume that they have been my close friend for a while.

This all makes sense in my mind.

My main point to all this:

When you feel like no one in the entire world will ever understand you ever channel your inner thoughts ever care about what you feel think express yourself and accept you for who you are.. you will be surprised to see there is that one person. That one person who will make you think otherwise and make you see that HE or SHE is the one that will be there for you during a fight or not during the hardest times between you two he or she will be there. They do truly care. And it's surprising. And in the moment that hard moment where you feel like you cannot take any more steps forward, they are there to lend you a hand to help you walk the path. I was very surprised on how things turned out. I was surprised that even though our thoughts were making each other seem like a bad person, we are still there for each other. It's incredible what our mind thinks when you just think of the worse and assume things. It seems logical just to ask the person whats going on or whats wrong. But it's easier said then done. But you know what? Expressing yourself and letting it known is better than not. What can go wrong? I think the issue would be resolved one way or another.

Gosh, last night...

I couldn't have asked for anything better than that. It was perfect. Now it is time to step forward and continue my path. And I hope he is there with me. Creating a fond deep friendship is important. Willing to form and progress with it is very hard when things hold you back. I just hope we can make it through every time. They are just bumps on the road. And I hope I am able to walk over it with respect, intelligence, and understanding.

What are friends for?

I think for support. For comfort. For security. To be able to share stories, thoughts, and embarrassments with. To hear the truth and to say the truth. I can't seem to find the words or actions to say thank you to them. It's difficult to ask for help but when I do, I know they are there for me.

<3

Come up to meet you, tell you I'm sorry

You don't know how lovely you are

I had to find you

Tell you I need you

Tell you I've set you apart

Tell me your secrets

And ask me your questions

Oh, let's go back to the start

Running in circles

Coming up tails

Heads on the science apart

Nobody said it was easy

It's such a shame for us to part

Nobody said it was easy

No one ever said it would be this hard

Oh take me back to the start

I was just guessing

At numbers and figures

Pulling the puzzles apart

Questions of science

Science and progress

Do not speak as loud as my heart

Oh tell me you love me

Come back and haunt me

Oh and I rush to the start

Running in circles

Chasing our tails

Coming back as we are

Nobody said it was easy

Oh, it's such a shame for us to part

Nobody said it was easy

No one ever said it would be so hard

I’m going back to the start

It just sucks to have to go back to the start. But maybe this time it would be a better experience, a better person, a better start. Gosh... why does it affect me so much. However, I do need to move on.

One of those moments...

...where you just want to scream at the top of your lungs as just release all the bullshit in your life, past or present. You just want to tell everyone you hate to fuck off and everyone you love to stay with you forever. And why can't I do that? WHY!? It's as if I'm on this never ending rollercoaster that leads me back to the same efen beginning and does not stop. I have to find a way out of this reoccurring ride that I didn't ask to be on. It is bullshit to see myself like this. To feel myself is shame. To sense that the world sees this as well!! Its sucks that I can't help myself nor do I allow anyone else to as well. Why can't I just be the way I want to be. Why does there always have to be questions involved. Why can't things just be!? Wow.. im soo contradicting myself cuz I am asking a million questions. OLGA LIFE JUST IS and YOU MUST DO! Now do what!? Do as I please? ..what would people think of me!? Do as I go?.. where will that take me in life!? Do as I see?.. what if I see is a bad influence? Do as I want?... what if I don't know what I want!? My past has helped me become a better me at least for now. I know things now that I didn't know before but was it allllllll worth it!?? Did it truly benefit you or did it make you carry this reputation, a habit, an old image of you!? Sucks that you can't turn back time and redo things properly or more maturely. But I guess you have to go thru immaturity to get to maturity. This feeling of hopelessness and despair and unworthiness lingers on. Am i going to be good enough? Am i good enough!? Am I?

So what should I say first!? This is my first time bloggin' i guess. We will see how much crap I write when my mind can't handle all the thoughts words and expressions that I have in me. I need to vent sometimes.. Who doesn't? I think this would be a great idea. We will see how long I last with this as well. But yeah. What's up to all you bloggers :)