1. My dad's passing is a battle. It has dwindled a bit since it happened years ago. However, I do think of him a lot. I think of how life could have been, should have been, and how life is OK without him. There are times where I think back asking myself why did this happen, could I have done something more to prevent it, could I have just put my full attention on him instead of attending school, and most importantly, why did this happen to me? I think time does heal but you will never forget. I am wiser and think that this tragic event was not my fault and that I just witnessed the ending. I miss him. I do.
2. My ex. I know, I know.. I think the same thing - STILL? hahahaha.. this was my first love what can I say or do? Geezzz… the fact is that he was an important person in my life. He was. The fact that he was always there for me shortly after my dad died was not good for our relationship. The fact that he was insecure and manipulative was not helpful to our relationship either. I hate thinking about him. Then as I lay in bed, I cannot stop thinking of him. I have so many memories with him. I am trying to change that. (I know I can't). What I mean is that even after this time of us being apart I am realizing that I have him in my mind more than I should. I am trying to change that. He has moved on with another girl. It does hurt me, yes, but only when I truly think about it. I get jealous and insecure myself. I shouldn't but since I still have strong feelings for him I know I will. However, I know that I cannot be with him. There is no way. We would not work. In his mind he thinks I have done so many errors in my past (before I met him) that has affected who I am and that it is not right and has to have an negative opinion on it. Judging me, always judging me. NOW HOW CAN I STILL HAVE FEELINGS FOR THIS PERSON? maybe I need someone in my life? But it is much more than that, I know. I just know it. But I cannot pinpoint it. Ugh… hopefully soon. I just need to not hear about him nor see him. Thank God my family is moving to a new city and away from where he lives. It's like a breath of fresh air.
3. My mom. I don't know what I would do without her. She is okay. But this was quite a scare. For me it has affected me to change the way I live, love, and cherish things. I thank God for allowing my siblings and I to continue to have her in our lives. I'm not happy that He had this in her life but I can't argue - but accept it - it already happened. I need to work on me, my body, my mind, my health, my eating habits, my workout routines, everything I can possibly change about myself to make sure I will not let my loved ones, my husband, and my kids see me like this. I just can't. It's to painful and traumatic. I know this woman is my superwoman and she can beat anything. But then again.. who is there to save the hero when she falls?
The fact that I now reside in Chicago and far away from my family does not to move forward. I feel like it was an escape for me. But I've known my problems would soon follow me. I cannot escape from my problems. I need to face them, even though it may hurt, and defeat them. First I need a physical exam and then can I get a cardiologist, please, to heal this broken heart? Thanks.
